God is Between the Lines

I repent for thinking my body was beyond being broken.

I repent for the belief that people in chronic pain needed to toughen up.

For being too busy to care for a fellow believer -- or a fellow human

Taking for granted the ability to walk and sit -- to chase after my boys, to dance for Jesus

I repent of actions I never realized I did -- I was so prideful and pious -- and I REPENT!

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Four weeks ago, we went waterskiing with some friends at a nearby lake where I took a pretty decent spill while waterskiing. My life hasn't been the same since -- I ruptured one disc, and bulged three, in my lower back.

Oh, I'm sure I had it coming. This back of mine was intently determined to take me down sooner or later. If it wasn't for my fierce independence, then it would have definitely gotten me in genetics alone. These were some of the many thoughts running through my mind as the neurosurgeon tried to explain my MRI and impending surgery. I'm making new discoveries every day. Who knew I had degenerative disc disease? Oh, and let's add arthritis on there just as a ripe, red cherry atop a heap of crumbling vertebrae. Not the most positive thoughts, I admit, but they were very real and raw in the moment.

I have always wondered why Jesus told us to count our current sufferings as joy. There was no time I was questioning this scripture than two weeks ago as I lie writhing in pain on our living room couch. It's probably a real bonus just me and the dog were home because I'm sure my screams echoing down the hallway and tears streaming down my makeupless face were not the most attractive scene beheld by these walls. Thoughts of committing suicide even crossed my mind as a way of escaping the intense pain.

Light and momentary afflictions? Is that what these are called? Hmmm...

Throughout the past couple weeks, the Holy Spirit has given me grace enough to make it through each day, but it hasn't been easy. I've even attempted to work a couple hours for a few days here and there. In that grace I've discovered what it is I'm to count joy in my present affliction. Him. I'm supposed to count Him my joy. And He is. More than ever.

A few weeks prior to disc-ripping accident, our family settled on a new church across town. We were drawn toward their genuine care and concern for their brothers and sisters, or so we thought. I mean, it seemed like it. Turns out, it was true. As meals and gift cards and blessing baskets began to show up, I began to see it didn't just "seem" they were genuine. It was real!

Acquaintances around our small town caught wind of my back injury and messaged me to see when they could bring by dinner for our family. Gift certificates to local restaurants, wild caught Alaskan salmon, frozen whole chickens, Visa gift cards, and more and more meals began to flood through our front door. Not just from our new church family, but from people who wanted to extend kindness. I was in such awe at the love, but I was in more awe of what lay between the lines of this kindness.

God was between those lines. He was using these people to show Himself faithful to me. He met me in my time of need through believers and non-believers alike. Some were just grateful to be used by Jesus, while others were puffed up with pride at their kindness and generosity. No matter what thoughts motivated their hearts, God was using them so He could become my joy through affliction.

Tell me He isn't clothed in grace, patience, and grace. 

The whole while He was revealing hard truths to the deepest part of my soul -- the part of me that will live forever. Hard truths. The harder the truth, the softer the Jesus that taught it. I was brought to my knees in repentance for the ugliness that I could see filled my heart. 

These ugly truths, and many more, can be re-read in the start of this post. 

UGLY!

Lord, forgive me for ever not being aware of the needs of others. For not taking the time to truly see people how you see them -- whether in a time of need or not. Forgive me for not taking the time to extend a hand to someone struggling physically. For not giving a second thought to those who can't leave their homes. Or for thinking my own physical ability was so amazing.

Just forgive me! 

I'm a wretched sinner apart from Your sacrifice to save my soul. The only true gift that last eternity -- the water that quenches eternal thirst. 

These thoughts and actions weren't even necessarily consciously made. It was a sin of pride masked in ugliness that was wrapped into something I'd somehow rationalized away. But once my own tough circumstances hit, and my heart became pliable, God threw it on the ceramic wheel and spun it into something that began to reflect more of Him.

Soon, I will undergo back surgery. Lord willing, I will wake up and go on my way with six weeks of recovery. Physical therapy and an inversion table are quite possibly in my future. 

Please, Lord, don't let it stop there!

I need physical therapy of my heart for the rest of all my earthly days. I need major recovery from a prideful heart marred with masked sin. My entire thought and action life needs inverted when it comes to clothing myself with the care of Jesus for my fellow man. To continue to see God between the lines of life.

My prayer is I NEVER fully recover -- until I see Him face to face.