What if You Weren't Made to be the Hand??
There he goes again...talking to people and loving them well. Can't we just go without EVERYONE having to flock to him for conversation? Words I've said about my husband time and time again in my jealous, resentful heart.
"No! You don't have to come to the store with me. I mean....I want you to, but it will take ten times longer because everyone will have to talk to you, and you will have to sign autographs (a bit overly dramatized). Words I've actually said to my husband over and over because out of my jealous and resentful heart my big mouth speaks.
It's no secret my husband is loved and respected by most in our small community. Seven years ago he unassumingly snuck into town; as one of few blacks here, he wasn't able to sneak for long. Soon, everyone wanted to know who he was, what he did, why he was here, and what he was about. It didn't take long for everyone to see why I fell in love with him as they, too, fell in love with so many things about him: his love for children, gifts of coaching and teaching, humble spirit, quiet nature, love for Jesus, and moral integrity to name a few.
I should be completely over the moon excited about this, right?
Well, I had been...until the last couple years.
His amazing and outward love toward others began to make me question my own love for people *side note: I'm pretty introverted*.
Jebron (hubby) loves people well. I don't love people well. Why do I have such a hard time loving people? If Jesus commands us to do it, then why is it so hard? I admire how well my husband loves people, and I want to mimic him in how I love others. These thoughts ran circles around my mind frequently, but especially when we'd get home from church or a public gathering with friends. Why?
I began to pray about these insecurities and ask God to change my heart in how I love people.
Nothing changed, except the seasons of our lives. Months went by; still this nagging insecurity followed me. Sometimes I'd try to suppress it and act like it didn't bother me. Other times it would bring me to tears.
More prayer. More self examination. I even tried harder to be more like my kind, gracious, and loving husband.
As his roots have grown deeper into the soil of our community, he's touched the lives of vast numbers of students, players, parents, teaching faculty, grocery store clerks, etc. You name them, and I guarantee you he has impacted their lives in one way or another.
Please don't misconstrue my heart. I'm thrilled my husband is making a Kingdom mark on our community. His impact is truly a miraculous sight to behold, and directly from the hand of God. I admire and respect him. I am also in awe at how humble he remains.
It has become glaringly clear I'm incapable of loving in the way he loves. I am also unable to touch and reach the lives of the amount of people he has, and does. Because of this, I have fallen prey to the lie that I am unable to love well because I do not love like him.
Recently, our family had a busy weekend. Jebron and our oldest son went one way for basketball, and my youngest son and I went the other for baseball. I found myself in a very unexpected position the next afternoon as I sat amongst the people of Boise, Idaho. My son was with his friend at a water park from noon until eight at night, and I....well, I didn't know what to do with myself.
I haven't been in this position....since...since...since before married life. If not that, then for sure since having kids.
I browsed some shops, enjoyed watching all the people at an outdoor market, and found myself in a comfy chair amidst a beautiful fountain and live music for the last three to four hours of my "date with God" as I was now fondly calling it.
Reflecting on that day, it truly was a date with Jesus. The reason I'm so certain is because He was kind enough to whisper to my heart about this insecurity of not loving people well.
In that comfy chair I sat perfectly content. I hadn't talked to a single soul in hours. The fountain was making all kinds of swirling and whirling patterns, and I simply got lost in its sound, sun on my skin, and wonderment of being in that moment. I felt like a kid again. Then, as quick as it came, it left.
Suddenly, I had a thought: Is it wrong that I haven't talked to anyone today? If Jebron were here he'd be saying hi to people and striking up all kinds of conversations. Gosh, he does such a great job of loving people the way the Lord commands us to love. I have so much to learn from him. I haven't even thought about talking to one person. In fact, I have been more than content to just watch people and allow myself to get caught up in this fountain...Really, Amy? A fountain of all things? Over people? Just sayin'...Those were my genuine thoughts at that moment.
Jesus met me right there.
The next moment He gently whispered in my ear, "You are unique. I have made no one else like you. You love well in the unique way I made you to love."
That's it. That's all the words whispered over my heart through this quick and momentary thought.
I know it wasn't from me. If it were my thought it would have had a much more condemning, competitive, and brow-beating tone to it (if anyone can relate).
I was able to minister to a friend by offering a listening ear and giving Biblical advice when she asked. In fact, God reminded me I've been doing that for years with various women in our community. I guess I have.
I texted our pastor and was able to encourage him in a message he gave. Holy Spirit brought to mind that I have been doing that when prompted by Him for years as well. Furthermore, I pray for our pastors. Oh ya, I hadn't seen that.
Yesterday, I had the privilege of helping a little girl wash her hands in a public bathroom. She was too short and without a guardian. I guess that isn't even something I'd thought was loving people for Jesus before.
Reminders of all the dinners I've cooked, laundry I've done, games I've sat through, hours I've worked to supplement extra income for our family, encouraging words I've given, little behind the scenes gifts for hurting people, caring for someone enough to be honest with them, or encouraging people who trust me enough to open up about their issues. I get it, Lord. I guess I do love others.
"You love them well!"
Wow! You really think so?
"You love them uniquely for the way I've created you, and you love them well," the Lord revealed to me.
In this short two weeks I've come to realize I cannot love people like my husband loves them; I'm not called to.
I had bought into the lie that because I didn't love them like he loved them, I didn't love them at all. When, in fact, I've noticed I care so passionately and deeply about people that I'm overwhelmed in large groups of people. My heart's desire is to love them individually, where they are. To enter into realness, truth, and honestly with them one-on-one. Empathy and compassion aren't gifts of love that can just freely be thrown around with everyone. You have to share those with the people God entrusts to you. For example: looking over at the man in our congregation who's days are numbered due to cancer. I have talked to him maybe once in my life, yet the Holy Spirit told me to go put my arms around his wife and him during church. The moment I did I began to weep as I barely uttered out that I was praying for them.
The passionate prayers for a fellow coach's daughter who's experiencing chemotherapy for breast cancer in her 30's. Being brought to tears by her plight when I've never spoke with her, and only know her parents because they're part of our local coaching community.
Crying out to God for the salvation of our dear friend, to the point of falling on my knees as the sobbing breaks forth from a place deep within. A sacred place only the Lord has tread.
God has been faithful to show me that the kind of love He's given me for people is full of something very real. It is full of Him, His truth (which isn't always fun to receive), and something that others have told me is "refreshingly real". He has chosen to give me that kind of love for people. It's a special love that can't be shared in large crowds or casual gatherings. In fact, it can't even fully come to fruition on Sunday mornings in the church lobby. This kind of love is reserved for quiet walks with a friend, meeting for coffee with "...this one lady who knows this one lady that's struggling in her marriage, and I was hoping you could meet with her". It manifests itself greatest in a prayer closet crying out for lost souls to be saved. It quietly supports the husband I respect in all he is passionate about, even when my passions lie somewhere far far away. It rests at the dinner table as it encourages our boys that their worth isn't found in what the do but who they are.
This is a great love! A unique love that God has called me to give. Too much time has been wasted on comparing the incomparable. The love Jebron has to give is not the love I've been called to give. And the love He's called you to give is as unique to your personality and fingerprint. If you are struggling in knowing what it means for you to love people, chances are you are already doing it in your day to day life. I was, and I didn't even know it.
If you have not given loving people a thought because you have been too self-absorbed in your own life, today would be a good day to pray and ask Jesus to forgive you for being so selfish and narrow minded. He is so gracious, and He will help you in turning your eyes from yourself to others. The truth is, there is a great big hurting world out there, and it desperately needs the love God has given you to give.
"Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, 'I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,' that does not make it any less a part of the body...But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where He wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part!" 1 Corinthians 14-15 and 18-19
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