Wrestling with Weight

THE PROBLEM:
Ugg...Health! Unfortunately, this is a topic near and dear to my thighs. *and has been all my life* Can I get a witness? Words of wellness and weight, the cultural oxymoron of the 21st century; they leave us longing for Ketogenic results on a McDonald's budget.

It's happened to us all; what we imagined would be a fun-filled afternoon at the mall tragically ends as our image-doused brains replay sights of unattainable perfection that point their gnarly fingers of condemnation at each of our imperfections. From the plastic models displaying clothes as they should look on us, to plastered images of smiling beauties who embody the fullness of life as they flaunt their curves in all the right places. It's frustration station at it's finest. All the while our fake smile allows us to pretend the closing in of millions in advertising dollars ain't got nothin' on us. Once the perfection of it all saturates us to the point of nausea, we decide to leave.

Before the nausea subsides we hopelessly arrive at the conclusion there's one thing left to do. We are good at it and it brings us happiness (as temporary as it may be)...EAT! We begin gorging ourselves with thousands of calories anticipating our insecurities will lie dormant under the blanket of gluttony. Do I lie? Am I the only one who's done this?

THIS IS ME:

Just like you, I'm familiar with eating to enable others, eating to celebrate, eating to allegedly combat stress, eating from boredom, and all the other excuses I make to enjoy the tastiest of treats. My favorite reason is I deserve it. I wouldn't say I've ever let myself go, but I would concede a divorce, birthing two large boys, hitting my 40's, and a self-satisfying pleasure over discipline mindset have caused me to indulge in more than my fair share of unnecessary, empty calories.

Addiction to food, alcohol, and drugs may be spiraled into my DNA ladder, but they aren't who I am. As a young girl I made an internal commitment to never allow poor decisions concerning food to affect the lives of those around me. I never wanted my weight to be an obstacle to the life God had for me -- even before I knew Him.

In 2001 I met Jesus for the first time. In my imperfection, I began to understand my body was given to me by God to glorify Him in all I do. Soon an extreme and idolatrous version of fitness ensued which aroused an insatiable hunger. I set out travel so far unhealthy that the pendulum swung viciously in the opposite direction. I wouldn't recommend this. I'm pretty sure this is not what the "your body is a temple of the Lord, glorify Him in all you do" verse meant.  My competitiveness ruined relationships to the point where no one even wanted to work out with me any more. Soon, all I was ingesting was unhappiness, pride, and arrogance. I tried to fill the hole in my heart with perfect health. Why? I cared more about what people thought than a God-centered balance. I like to refer to these years as #ignorant.

I remained imperfect as I grew in the Lord, but I began to understand nothing is worth sacrificing relationships, and God isn't a huge fan of idolatry. I like to refer to these years as #growthispainful.

About sixteen months ago, still imperfectly attempting to figure this out, I set out on yet another health quest. This time I set realistic goals and asked the Lord if He'd like to be a part. *a novel concept, I know* A direct correlation between discipline in the physical and discipline in the spiritual began to surface. Each morning started with Jesus time and was followed by a daily workout. Feeding the spiritual followed by investing in the physical is a partnership that has worked. I like to call these sixteen months #igotthis

All was working out swimmingly, and I did have this, until....a month ago. What happened? Honestly, I have no idea. For those of you who struggle with weight  you understand maintenance mode is THE WORST, right? Who can conquer it? I was beginning to think I could in January, but as of late I'm not so sure. This past month is #confusing.

THE QUESTIONS:
This blog is not to give answers, but more so to ask for them.

How do Christians reconcile the juxtaposition of staying healthy and eating right with blatant idolatry and obsessiveness? Seriously? There is a healthy balance, right?

Is it me, or do our lives pick up speed with each passing year while our metabolisms marinate in a pool of molasses and sinking sand? But we can't get too worked up about it or cortisol levels will sky-rocket and we'll gain weight. Really? We are left vexed in this purgatory of wanting to surrender every part of ourselves to Jesus while doing all we can to maintain quality of life before we go to meet Him face to face.

You and I both know there's NOTHING we can do to add to the number of our days -- this is true. But we can make attempts at the healthiest life possible while we are still here. And we should, shouldn't we? I want to. I want to be like a grandma in my church who's in her late 60's and flying to Uganda with her granddaughter next month for a three week mission trip. I want to be able to keep up with my sons, and, Lord willing, their children.

My soul comes alive at the sight of a bull elk with velvet antlers roaming aimlessly across a meadow, or a raging waterfall raining peace through my very existence as its vibrating roar pulses through my body. Nothing frees my creative juices and endorphins more than a good long hike with our Creator -- contemplating spiritual truths found in the physical.  And if it was all gone....well, a part of me would be gone. A large part of how I enjoy and experience Jesus would disappear.

If an accident took this piece of enjoyment from me I'd ultimately have to yield to the Father's control over all things -- that's different. But if I caused this from my own lack of discipline I'm not sure I could just accept it. The longing for health is too great.

Yes, I've gained five pound in a month. Yes, it's way easier to put on than take off. Yes, I want to quit. You bet it's a daily struggle. There's no way I remotely enjoy packing my food for the entire week each Sunday before church. But do I let it all go? How much do let go before I am no longer honoring God with my body? Like I said, there are many more questions than answers.

IS THE ANSWER IN THE WRESTLING?:
I don't even pretend to have the answers, but maybe they're found in the wrestling. I mean, even Paul had his thorn in the flesh, right?

I think of Jacob, and how he wrestled with God all night. That guy didn't give up easily. He wrestled for a blessing and one dislocated hip later he finally surrendered. He got his blessing. He was renamed Israel -- the father of God's chosen people. Remembering where that wrestling match took place, he later referred to it as Penuel, which means facing God or the face of God. It's the place he met God, endured growth and pain, then left with his blessing.

If the answer's in the wrestling we need to realize God is going to win. We will end up surrendering  -- either our health will fail prematurely or we will surrender it to Him before the point of crisis hits.

Jesus has a special tool, a magnifying glass for the heart. He sees our motives. He knows when we are striving for health to live our lives for Him, or when we're more concerned with looking good for others. Sadly, the latter is sometimes true for me.

Let's not stop going to our place of Penuel to meet God face to face. There, we can come clean with our motives and thank Him for giving us the bodies we do have. We can thank Him, too, for dying for the souls inside these bodies. It's at Penuel that we understand  "when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands" 1 Corinthians 5:1. This body is really nothing more than a vessel to get us to where we need to go so the Holy Spirit can do eternal work.

May we not give our bodies so much "weight" they become idolatrous bones of contention between us and our Creator. But may we give our bodies enough "weight" that we care for them properly for the time they are loaned to us. I continue my quest in all my imperfections, but I suspect I'm getting closer to where I need to be. I refer to this time as #wrestlingforbalance and #givingmyselfgrace.

Do you struggle with some of these same issues? Or am I just crazy?