Proverbs 31 - I Harm Him, I Harm Him Not

"She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

Proverbs 31:12

Intro: I was married for six years to my husband when we were separated for the first time. A few months later we separated permanently, and two and a half years after that we were divorced. Nearly one year after our divorce was final we were remarried again, and we just celebrated our fifth anniversary last week. The reason Proverbs 31 is so dear to me is because I strongly believe none of us set out to cause our husbands harm, but we still do. Whether intentional or unintentional we are still responsible for our actions. This devotion will lay out what my husband and I both feel are the top four contributors that cause husbands harm.

#1 DISRESPECT:
In preparing for this devotion I asked my husband the number one factor in a woman causing harm to her husband in marriage. Without hesitation he quickly fired back, "Disrespect!"

I couldn't agree more. As women, we don't think much about respect because we see most things through a filter of being loved simply because that is our own need. Conversely, a man could care less about love. He filters everything in life through the lens of respect. 

During those years we were separated and divorced God brought many people and resources into my life to show me how I was causing my husband harm in our first marriage. Respect was the number one thing that kept resurfacing. I didn't even realize I was disrespecting him, nor did I realize what it meant to truly respect him. 

Here are some ways to show respect: allow him to make major decisions, and stand by him even if you may disagree with them initially; let him know the things you respect about him (many times we can just exchange the word love for respect and it works); much can be inferred in our body language that communicates respect too. How you look at him says a lot about how you feel about him. A look of disdain and disappointment doesn't go very far, trust me I know. If you're at a loss of how to better respect your husband just ask him ways you can improve in this area, and I'm sure he'd be happy to let you know.

#2 SPENDING TOO MUCH: 
God has designed the husband to be the provider for his family, even if he makes less money than his wife. He will be held responsible for how well he does in this area, but we will be held responsible for what we do to make or break his success.

Although being responsible with finances wasn't ever an issue in either of our marriages, we both agree it is a major area of trust where women sometimes fall short. The reason a woman lives beyond her means really comes down to her not feeling fulfilled in other areas of her life. She experiences a void, maybe her husband doesn't validate her, or she feels he doesn't do a good enough job of loving her. But the thrill she experiences when the packages arrive on her doorstep from her online shopping spree a few days earlier, somehow give her temporary relief that fills a void in her heart. If you were raised with much, but find scaling back after marriage is difficult, ask the Lord how you can honor your husband in this way because nothing will express respect more than your partnership that ultimately leads to his success. No material possession is worth putting your marriage at risk and causing your husband to feel harmed; especially when overspending can easily be avoided with some simple steps of self-discipline.

#3 NOT BEING A TEAM PLAYER: 
When two are united as one there is no stronger team bond on earth. A team doesn't compete with one another. Team members don't try to have control over one another. Teammates work together to accomplish a common goal. In marriage that goal is to mirror the relationship of Jesus and the church while furthering the Kingdom of God. Every Christ-centered marriage should have this mission statement written on the tablets of their hearts. We may not always do that perfectly, but it is the goal.

In my first marriage I was not a team player. I thought I was, but I wasn't. The truth was in my core I didn't trust my husband or think he had my best interest at heart; therefore I inadvertently did things that made me more of an opponent than a comrade. I saw his dreams as an inconvenience. I saw ministering him, in simple ways like cooking his meals, as reasons to give into seeds of bitterness that were slowly taking root in my heart. If he said he wanted to do one thing, I'd say I wanted to do another. Sometimes I would do this just to spite him or see if I could win. I didn't realize when you're playing on the same team the entire team wins or loses, not just one player. When I allowed control to take over our team continued to have losing season after losing season.

Today, I ask God often how I can enter into the life and team of my husband. I ask Him to make my husband's dreams my dreams. The Lord has been faithful to produce in my heart genuine happiness for my husband when he succeeds. I now see that when he succeeds we all succeed, especially since he is the head of our home and family - it's a win, win! I have also come to realize my husband needs someone on his side unconditionally to cheer for him, encourage him, pour into his spirit, laugh with him, empathize with him, and point out all God is doing through his very being. It brings an indescribable joy to my heart when I can feel the confidence of my husband growing simply because I've listened and acted upon the ways the Holy Spirit has asked me to minister to him.

4.BEING CONTROLLING:Each time my husband and I give our marriage testimony it never fails, one or more women approach me afterward and shamefully admit they too have control issues. I encourage them not to be ashamed because God does not condemn us; rather be thankful they feel convicted enough to move toward change.

Control was my number one downfall in my first marriage. I had to control everything! I knew it on some level, but it wasn't until we separated, got counseling, and I began to hear from the Lord that I finally realized how bad it was. I felt the need to control all the finances down to the penny, what we did, and where we went. I was overpowering in conversation and communication. I effectively taught my husband how to shut down and put up a wall. The only thing he wound up communicating was that there was no way he was going to communicate with me. I can't say I blamed him. It was ugly. I was ugly.

The root of my control issues boiled down to my life feeling out of control. The first time I said, "I do," I conveniently packed a suitcase full of childhood disappointments and carried it right into my marriage. I selectively unpacked that suitcase whenever I felt it would behoove me or enable me to manipulate or control a situation. The devastating part is that I didn't realize what I was doing. 

It took many years and lots of hard work to arrive where I am today. And although I'm far from perfect, this is the one area in which I feel most proud of my accomplishments. The propensity to be controlling creeps up more often than I'd like to admit, but I now have a different plan of attack. I recognize it, "take every thought captive," put it in it's place, recognize it for what it is, and act in the opposite spirit.

Giving the Lord control over my husband was the best decision I ever made. It freed me to live the life I was intended to live. Feeling the need to control everything was exhausting, and I don't miss living without that stress. I know my husband sees a difference too. He knows my controlling ways all too well, and he often reminds me how and where I am succeeding in this area.

Prayer:

Lord, we need your help in our marriages to be the women you have called us to be. We lean on Your understanding, instead of our own, as we look to You for every resource we need to be wives and women of God. I pray for the women who aren't yet married. Help them to deal with their childhoods, so there is no suitcase to pack and take into their future marriages. And for the women who are already married, I pray they ask Your help to find their suitcase, repack it, take it far away, and burn it. If ridding ourselves of control is a must, we humbly ask You to give us unique ways in which we can honor You and our husbands in doing so. Reveal to us the deeper meaning behind our propensities to control so we can pull them out by the roots. You are such a faithful Father, and we love You. Thank you for continuing to work in our spirits, hearts, and lives. May we glorify You more today than yesterday. Amen